


I Long for Your Embrace

by louandhaz



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Blood and Injury, Break Up, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Jim, Hurt Spock (Star Trek), Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Mentions of Pon Farr, Misunderstandings, Post-Star Trek Beyond, Protective Jim, Protective Spock (Star Trek), Sex, Sick Character, T'hy'la, bondmates, mentions of Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-04 21:55:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14602539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louandhaz/pseuds/louandhaz
Summary: 5 times Jim does something that reminds Spock of his mother and 1 time Spock does the opposite.





	1. He chased his nightmares away, as she had.

**Author's Note:**

> Another 5+1 fic because I. Am. Weak.  
> .
> 
> And okay, this story is going to be a bit different than a normal 5+1 story. The 5+1 theme is going to be implemented into an adventure story arc mainly from Spock and Jim's point of view, so there's a possibility that there is going to be more than 6 chapters.
> 
> .
> 
> Please enjoy! :DD

**1.**

 

Spock was different from other Vulcans.

Yes, he has the physiology of a Vulcan, grew up with the teachings of Surak and was taught to live by logic and reason with as little interference from emotion as possible. But as the years go by, the more time he spends with the _Enterprise_ crew, the more he accepts his human side.

He was now more relaxed around the crew. For example, at least once every two weeks he would spar with Sulu or Jim. Or whenever Chekov had questions about his science experiments, Spock would always provide him with answers, sometimes their talks evolving into discussions that lasted for hours until shifts started or one of them (mainly Chekov) feels grumbling in his stomach, signifying that he was hungry. He spends time with Nyota, enjoying each other's company by simply chatting or reading together in silence, because even if they are not in a romantic relationship anymore, they were friends first.

Spock also once in a while plays poker with Scotty, Keenser and Leonard, courtesy of the captain who stated with a serious expression yet a hint of humor in his tone—another human demeanor Spock found illogical but accepts in humans nonetheless—that if the Chief Engineer does not take a break once in a while, he would have the Scottish man hand his position over to Keenser. No doubt that was an empty threat, yet the fear of losing full access to his 'Lady' had Scotty yield in only two seconds (yes, Spock counted). On the other hand, Leonard—who for all his acts of disliking the only Vulcan on the ship (“ _I don’t dislike you, you hobgoblin! Well, at least not as much as before you saved Jim’s skinny ass--” “GASP! Bones, how_ dare _you!? My ass is fabulous, and you know it!” “Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Jimmy boy.”—_ had joined in on the poker nights and although at first he joined because of the alcoholic beverages Scotty had provided( _“All these are legal, Commander, I swear it!”_ ), the doctor seems to have found a comfortable place to relax outside his medbay and him and Jim’s ‘guys nights’.

The four of them were often joined by other members of the bridge crew though they did not become permanent members: Nyota had ‘girls nights’ with Nurse Chapel and group discussions with the communications team on other nights. Sulu spends most of his nights to holovid Ben and Demora, and if not, he would either attend to the Botanical Garden or spend time with his best friend Chekov. The most frequent visitor of poker nights was Jim, but he too would be busied by captain duties (because contrary to popular belief, Jim has paperwork that only he as captain can do and authorize and often the paperwork was twice the amount of the First Officer’s paperwork). Thus Spock, Scotty, Keenser and Leonard were the permanent members of the unofficial Poker Nights Club which was held once every two weeks. It was quite surprising that the reigning champion of the poker nights had turned out to be Keenser.

Aside from the bridge crew, Spock slowly but surely became closer to other members of the science team. He would sometimes eat with them at the mess hall though not quite as often as with Jim. He affiliates with their jokes in midst experiments. At first it came as a shock that Spock the unemotional Vulcan was opening up to them (as open as he could be, because his jokes and sassy comebacks were almost non-existent because of his dry tone), however the small talks have raised the science team’s morale and the result consists of them respecting Spock even more and inviting the Science Officer to every science seminars there was on scheduled shore leaves.

So yes, even though Spock was raised as a Vulcan, he turned out different than other Vulcans. “And that’s _okay_ , Spock. I, no- we all like you the way you are. The crew likes Spock, the-serious-yet-sassy-and-hilariously-funny First Officer.”

“If by funny you mean laughing at all my unintended, as you say ‘jokes’, Captain, then it would do you a favor of consuming less caffeinated beverage." Because Spock suspects his captain's peculiar behavior of uncontrollable laughter was caused by consuming too much coffee and being 'high on them'. 

“See that, Spock? That. _That_ right there is _sassy_.”

Spock merely raised an eyebrow as Jim started to chuckle while making a move to take one of Spock’s pawn. Yet in his mind, the First Officer of the  _Enterprise_ can only focus on the captain’s previous statement. The crew likes him for who he was.

But does Jim like, no,  _love_  him for who he was?

He received his answer when he was under the influences of Pon Farr, when Jim had given all of him to Spock and in return Spock devoured him. When after all the fights and misunderstandings, the two of them finally bonded and became friends, brothers, lovers. Soulmate.

T’hy’la.

The way Jim accepted all of Spock, whether it was his Vulcan or human side made Spock feel contentment. He made Spock feel warmth, comfort, happiness and… love.

“I married your mother because I loved her.” His father had said. That day Spock was miles away from understanding the depth of his father’s words.

But when Jim lied in his arms, head against Spock’s chest, an arm around his waist and legs tangled with his while the half-Vulcan slowly ran his hand up and down Jim’s back and ruffled through his golden hair, Spock understands.

The people around him made him understand, but ultimately it was Jim who made Spock accepted himself. Through Jim’s love and his love towards Jim, Spock accepted all of his side: Vulcan _and_ human. He felt fulfilled, like he has achieved his goal, a goal he did not expect or even dared having.

And yet at the same time, he felt… regret.

When Spock accepted himself, he was reminded of someone who had accepted him the moment he was born. No, the moment he was conceived.

His mother had accepted him. Loved him. Was _proud_ of him when no one was. And in return Spock did(does) love her, yet he did not show her as much affection as he could have.

Regret.

Another regret is when he lost his mother, he was stricken with memories of her and the years and moments he had spent with her. But then he had to do his responsibilities as acting captain to defeat Nero, so he hid his emotions away. And even after attacking Jim and later saving Earth with the latter and the  _Enterprise_  crew, Spock chose to bury the memories of his mother as it had pained him so.

But then Jim had spoken of his father, “I never knew my father, Spock. My mother never once told me about him, and if I asked, she’d get angry. Pike told me about him later, some things that even Starfleet histories doesn’t tell. But… I don’t really know if he even loved me, or if he would've been proud of me…” and that made Spock choose to honor the memories of his own mother by slowly remembering again. By cherishing those memories again.

When he slowly recalled the memories through meditation, he found two stands out most of all.

"Oh, Spock. As always, whatever you choose to be, you will have a proud mother.” was the first one.

The second one was when Spock was still a child. Before Spock had ~~~~decided to grow up the Vulcan way, Amanda Grayson keened to give her child as many hugs and kisses a mother could give. The fondest memory was when Spock had a particularly bad day or nightmares, and his mother would come into his bed to hold him instead of doing the usual tuck in and illogical bedtime stories. He would fight the affection at first, fearing the disappointment on his father’s face should he see his son’s illogical behavior. But as Spock began to surrender himself to his mother’s embrace, he allowed himself to enjoy the warmth and love she shared with him. Her fingers running gently through his bowl-cut hair, a kiss landing on his forehead before soothing words calmed him down. She continued on even as Spock’s grip on her shirt lessened, emotional exhaustion and the comfort of his mother lulling him to sleep.

Because of his acceptance, Spock found himself remembering his mother again, yet the memories gave him bittersweet happiness. He was glad he could honor his mother but at the same time he feels deep sadness that he could not feel his mother’s comfort again.

The sorrowful thought resulted in uneasy sleep for a few nights. Thankfully Jim and Spock had quite an amount of reports and paperwork to go through from the expedition on Alsa III so the half-Vulcan managed to avoid sleep and instead did meditations. But now that both captain and commander have finished each of their own assignments, Spock has no doubt Jim would like to sleep with his boyfriend. And by sleep, this time the definition holds true because not even ten minutes after finishing his daily bath (Jim had bathed first because his paperwork was done first, surprisingly), the blonde was too tired to have sex or even wait for Spock to get into bed with him. Jim looked younger in his sleep, full of peace and free of stress, though Spock can see traces of bags under his closed eyes.

Spock sighed as he climbed into their bed. He did not want to sleep that night, but Jim would surely notice his lack of sleep and he would not approve. Not only because it would affect his assignments, but Jim would worry, and Spock dislikes the frown and turned down lips on his lover’s face. So as he took the sleeping blonde into his arms, Spock surrendered himself into an uneasy sleep.

* * *

 

 _The ground surrounding them was shaking. Spock felt illogical, emotional fear creeping his mind. They were all going to be safe, just a few more seconds and the would be all aboard the_ Enterprise _._

 _Finally._ Finally _he felt his body being engulfed by light and reduced to particles, ready to be transported to the ship. He can be calm now. Though his planet is doomed, the people are saved. The Vulcan High Council is safe, his father is safe, but most of all, his mother is saf-_

_A cry._

_“MOTHER!”_

“I’m losing her! I’m losing her!”

_Spock lost her._

_The only person in this world to truly cared for him. Was proud of him._ Loved  _him._

_He lost--_

_Jim._

_Jim?_

_Jim was against the glass door. There was a barrier between Spock and his Captain. His best friend. His--_

_“I’m scared, Spock”_

_Spock was afraid as well. But fear was… fear was illogical-_

_“Help me not be… how do you choose not to feel?”_

_How could Jim ask that of him when Spock himself does not know how?_

_“I do not know”_

_Jim’s red, teary eyes met Spock’s. “I want you to know why I couldn’t let you die… why I went back for you.”_

_“Because… because you are-” But Jim was gone before Spock could finish._

* * *

 

Spock gasped as he sat up. He was trembling and panting and he feels sweat running down his back. The horror of his nightmare still consuming him, and it would have continued if not for the voice calling out to him.

“Spock!” Spock flinched and he would have swatted away the hands that were cupping his face if it were not for his bond.

T’hy’la.

It is t’hy’la.

Calm down.

He would not harm you. He is t’hy’la.

 _Do_ _not_ hurt him.

“Spock?” Spock closed his eyes and took a few breaths. As he calmed himself down, the half-Vulcan quietly observed his surroundings. It seems his nightmare had resulted in him falling onto floor. Jim, who was a light sleeper was disturbed from his dream and apparently joined Spock on the floor to make sure his lover was alright. 

“Hey, are you alright? I mean, of course you’re not alright- that nightmare really freaked you out, huh? I meant did you hurt yourself when you fell to the floor?”

Spock opened his eyes to find Jim’s worried ones. He doesn’t want to worry Jim. He doesn’t want to rob Jim of his peace and trouble him with illogical nightmares. Yet the face of his mother and Jim’s lifeless eyes appeared in his mind again, making Spock close his eyes and grasp Jim’s wrists tightly before letting out a small whimper. Any other person would not hear or understand Spock’s distress right now, but they were not Jim.

After a few seconds of silence, Jim tried to free himself of Spock’s grip, making the latter let out another sound of distress. “Sshh, it’s okay, love.” Jim gently whispered while again trying to free himself from the half-Vulcan’s iron grip and this time resulted in success. Spock was not left with emptiness for long as Jim took both of his hands to help him stand upright. Still confused and disoriented, Spock let himself be gently pushed back into bed with Jim following after.

What Spock did not expect was for Jim to pull him into his arms. His bondmate’s arms were wrapped around him tightly, a hand running up and down his back while another running through his hair and rubbing his scalp. His own arm was around Jim’s middle and their legs were tangled together. “Do you wanna talk about it?” Jim softly murmured while continuing his actions.

It was a few seconds of silence before Spock answered. “My mother… I lost her again,” Jim, knowing Spock wasn’t finished, only continues his comfort patiently. “and when she was… gone… I was shown another disturbing scene of your… demise.”

Jim stilled for a few seconds before his grip on Spock tightened. Ashamed of his weakness, Spock closed his eyes, only to open them when he felt a pair of lips on his forehead.

“Ashayam?”

The blonde started running his hands up and down Spock’s back again while saying, “It’s alright, sweetheart, I’m here.” Spock wanted to argue that Jim had been once, in fact, not here. He was gone. He had truly died and left Spock alone.

When that thought made it through his mind Spock wanted to, as humans say, ‘smack himself’ because Jim wincing was a sign he could read Spock’s mind just now.

“I am sorry Jim. I did not mean for my emotions to overflow like this. I shall attempt to meditate-” “None of that, Spock” Jim said as his grip on Spock tightened even more, not letting the commander get up from the bed. Both of them know if Spock wanted to, he can unwrap himself from Jim’s hold, but the human’s stern look made the half-Vulcan surrender himself back to his lover’s hold.

“I’m here, Spock.” Jim whispered as he resumed his comfort. “And your mother, wherever she is right now, is watching you. And she’s proud of you.” Jim continued his actions. His warm embrace and soothing voice has rid Spock of his tremors. After a few minutes of listening to whispers of sweet nothings, Spock felt himself relaxed and unconsciously nestling his face against Jim's warm chest, his steady and strong heartbeat calming him.

He tightened his grip on his t'hy'la's shirt before surrendering himself to the warm, comforting embrace. As a gentle kiss landed on his forehead, Spock fell into a dreamless sleep.


	2. He took care of him when he was sick, as she had.

**2.**

 

S’chn T’gai Spock was feeling unwell.

In fact he had never in his life felt more terrible than he was right now.

Spock was… He was…

“Sick.”

A pause.

“Certainly not, doctor.”

“Right, and exactly who’s the doctor here, me or you? Wait don’t answer that question, because ya already did.” Doctor Leonard McCoy drawled, clearly unimpressed yet also seemed prepared for Spock’s denial of the situation.

“I assure you doctor, I am perfectly fine-” Spock winced when a needle pricked his neck. “That was uncalled for.” He tried to give his best unimpressed face at Leonard who was smirking while taking notes on his PADD.

“If you’re ‘fine’ as you've said, you’d have been able to stop me from hypospraying you, don’tcha think?” The grin on the doctor’s face lessen as he became serious. “Now bed rest for you, and don’t think you can get out of this one with your Vulcans-don’t-get-sick myth.” He said before Spock could let out an argument.

“On the contrary, Vulcans do get sick, it is not a myth. And as a Vulcan, I know when I am feeling unwell and at the moment, I feel the opposite, doctor.”

Leonard twitched with annoyance, “I thought Vulcans didn’t lie.”

“We do no-” “I don’t wanna hear it! You _will_ go to your quarters and sleep for at least twenty-four hours you hobgoblin, or so help me, I’ll call your boyfriend! It’s a wonder he’s not the one to drag your ass in here in the first place.” grumbled McCoy.

True, if Jim were anywhere near Spock in the last four point two hours, he would surely notice how out of character the Vulcan was being. Spock’s face was flushed green and every time he stood he would sway until he had to grab the nearest surface to steady himself. When the latest surface he reached was Nyota’s arm, it did not take five seconds to see her friend was unwell, so she was the one to ‘drag Spock’s ass’ to medbay and went back to the bridge for her shift after she left him in Leonard’s capable hands.

Nyota and Leonard knew Jim was on an away mission to Aldea to get more supplies for the ship as well as join the Aldean Ambassador and the people for their party. The Aldeans are social and lively creatures who love to party for absolutely no reason and the _Enterprise_ crew has visited the planet a couple of times to know how friendly the inhabitants are. Their standard level is also high that Jim felt confident enough to leave the _Enterprise_ in Spock and Nyota’s hands while he, Scotty, Chekov and Giotto went and handle the supply transfer procedure. Yet Spock was still amazed (and a bit amused) that Leonard would somehow made Spock’s illness Jim’s fault when he clearly had nothing to do with it.

With Leonard’s threats of putting him on medical leave for three days, Spock finally relents and went to his quarters. His acceptance that he was, without a doubt ill, made Spock weak enough that he did not even change his clothes; only taking off his blue shirt and his boots, before climbing to bed and trying to sleep.

Spock felt very poor. He tried to sleep, but his aching head, stomach and other limbs were making him unable to do so. In this moment, Spock truly longed for his mother’s comfort. Growing up, it was rare for Spock to be defeated by sickness, but in the rareness of the event, Spock’s mother had always provided the comfort he did not know he needed.

She had covered him with warm blankets whenever he felt cold, and whenever he felt hot she would put a small wet towel to cool his burning forehead. She always made him his favorite food: Plomeek soup, and the taste was always the exact way he liked.

His favorite memory of his sickness though, was when his mother would come into his bed and hold him while telling him Earth stories, mostly consisted of fairy tales. Even as a child Spock thought of fairy tales and why his mother had to hold him in bed were illogical, but the sound of his mother gentle tone, narrating the stories while ruffling Spock’s hair had never fail to make him fall into restful sleep and wake up feeling much better. There were even times when Spock had woken up to his mother, still sound asleep next to him in his bed, clearly exhausted after working around the house and in addition, taking care of Spock.

As Spock now laid in his bed in his quarters, the half-Vulcan could not help but remember the fond memory as he fell asleep.

* * *

 

A cool hand on his burning forehead brought Spock to consciousness.

“Spock?”, whispered a gentle and familiar voice. He opened his eyes to find a pair of striking blue eyes, a hint of worry in them. Even with dim lighting Jim’s eyes shined so mesmerizingly and beautifully.

“Hello, Jim.” Spock's rasped voice made the worry in Jim’s eyes more visible, but that didn’t stop the blond from giving his lover a gentle smile.

“Hey.” He moved his hand to Spock’s cheek to caress it, making Spock lean towards the comforting cool limb. “I heard from Bones you got sick?”

Spock closed his eyes, savoring the comfort. “I have been feeling unwell for-” he opened them to glance at the chronometer placed on his bedside table. “five point seven hours.” It has been one hour since Spock was put on medical leave by Doctor McCoy, and while the rest has made him feel a bit better, it would be quite awhile before Spock regains his usual level of health. “What of the mission, Jim?”

“Scotty’s supervising the transfer right now. It should be done in half an hour.” Spock felt Jim had more to say, so he kept quiet. “I, uh… I kinda _felt_ you were unwell? From the bond, I mean, about an hour ago. And then Bones commed me, telling me you were sick. I got restless and figured since the transfer had begun nicely, I left it to Scotty and the others and got here. Now the question is, why didn’t you tell me you were feeling sick, Spock?” While not stopping his comfort for Spock, the half-Vulcan could see from Jim’s raised eyebrow and turned down lips that he did not approve of Spock’s passiveness to notifying Jim of his condition. In Spock’s defense, Jim was doing his duty as captain and he did not want the captain being distracted for worrying, so Spock had shield his mind. It was then that the commander realized by falling asleep, the shield on his mind had weakened, making Jim able to feel his poor condition.

Not knowing what to say, Spock stayed silent until Jim huffed and retracts his hand, his action made the half-human sat up quickly, not caring of the dizziness resulted from his actions, only of his t’hy’la. “Jim, forgive me-” He tried to apologize but was cut off by a tray appearing before him. It was a bowl of soup.

More precisely, a bowl of Plomeek soup.

Spock gaped. “Ashayam, this is…” Jim didn't reply and instead motioned Spock to lean his back against the bulkhead above his bed so he can put the tray on Spock’s lap. Only when Jim sat on the edge of the bed, next to his lover’s hip was when Spock noticed he was smiling again.

“As soon as Bones informed me you’re alright and that you only need sleep and food, I made this. It’s not replicated if you’re wondering.”

Spock frowned at Jim's explanation. “But I have not told you-” “that this is your favorite meal as well as a nice comfort food for a sick Vulcan? Yeah, Ambassador Spock or the other you told me when we visited New Vulcan for that mission months ago, before... you know...” Ah, yes... before the Ambassador's death. “anyway, since next week is our anniversary, I wanted to make you your favorite food so I also bought the ingredients while we were there about a month ago for that other mission. But seeing as you need this right now, I guess I can make you something else later.” Jim laughed easily while patting Spock’s knee.

At Jim’s sincerity and kindness Spock did not know what to say. He feels overwhelming warmth and love and his heart was beating hard on his side, the happiness rendering him speechless as he could do nothing but pick up the spoon to taste the dish.

It was delicious.

Not as delicious as he remembered his mother had made, but delicious nonetheless because Spock _knew_  Jim had made this with love. That he had thought of Spock even when they were on a mission on New Vulcan all those months ago, making time to visit the future him to ask Spock’s likes and dislikes to surprise him. That he remembers their upcoming anniversary, months after the start of their bond and romantic relationship.

“Spock?” Came Jim’s worried tone again. “You’re trembling- oh my God, is it that bad? I made sure to taste it two times before I put it on the plate- it tasted bland for me, but Ambassador Spock assured me it was supposed to taste like that! Dammit, I should have triple check-” Spock carefully lift up the tray to put it on his other side before turning his attention towards a still rambling Jim, cutting him off by cupping his face with both of his hands and bringing their lips together. Surprised, the blonde put his hand against Spock’s chest and the other against the bed to keep himself upright. He moaned as he kissed his lover back. Spock can feel confusion and delight from the latter’s mind.

When they slowly backed away from each other because Jim needed oxygen (if Spock could have his way, he would kiss Jim for _hours_ ), Spock noticed the blond having a dazed look on his face. “Wha... what was that for…?” He asked while still out of breath but didn’t look mind in the slightest, only curious.

Spock gave him an expression only Jim could recognize as a smile. “It is delicious, Jim. I thank thee.” The half-Vulcan said with a gentle tone as his hands trailed towards his lover’s hands and stroking them with his thumbs. Jim flushed before giving a relieved smile. He squeezed Spock’s hands before whispering, “A simple thank you would’ve been fine, you know? Not that I mind.”

“For you, nothing is ever simple, Ashayam.” Jim’s grin went bigger as he said, “I’ll take that as a compliment. Now eat your soup before it gets cold.”

“As you wish, Ashayam.”

“Spock, stop teasing me!” Jim whined as Spock started to consume his soup again. While Spock continued eating, Jim shared the events of his day on the planet with Spock occasionally cutting in for questions. Fifteen minutes later, when Spock was done, he expected Jim to leave him to rest but was pleasantly surprised when the blonde took off his gold shirt and his boots before climbing into Spock’s bed and settling behind him in a spooning position.

Only when Jim had finished settling them into a comfortable position Spock inquired, “While I do not oppose against the comfort, Jim, I very much dislike the thought of you being infected by my sickness by our close proximity.”

“I think that ship has sailed when you stuck your tongue down my throat a few minutes ago, babe.” There were quite a few things wrong in that sentence and Spock does not know where to begin: the idiom or the illogical pet name. Or both.

“Besides, Uhura still has the conn for a few more hours and this way you can’t escape anywhere without me noticing.”

“I assure you, unlike you I would not escape anywhere in my condition, Jim.” Because a sick Jim would definitely wrestle his way to work, no matter what his condition was, until he faints.

Jim only kissed the back of Spock’s neck as a reply before saying, “Go to sleep, Spock. I’ll be here when you wake up.” 

Feeling tired and safe, Spock complied and he fell into deep sleep.

* * *

 

When Spock wakes up for the third time that day, he realized he felt much better than before. His head had stopped pounding and his stomach had ceased it’s grumbling. He then realized that Jim was also still in the same position as before: on his side, face facing the back of Spock’s neck and his arm around his First Officer’s waist. Again, overwhelmed by the feeling of happiness and contentment, Spock slowly turned around to face a sleeping Jim.

He looks much younger in his sleep, the stress and burdens from the responsibilities of being captain free from his peaceful face. The expression made his features even more beautiful; his unkempt bed hair, while would make anybody else unappealing, certainly made Jim more handsome. His long eyelashes and pouty lips also made him all the more enticing.

“Thank you, Ashayam _. Taluhk nash-veh k’dular._ ” Spock whispered as he pressed his lips against Jim’s forehead. The latter smiled in his sleep as if he heard him.


	3. He cried for him, as she had.

****3.**** ****

 

Pain.

Spock felt pain like never before. As he drifts in and out of consciousness he keeps hearing his name being called.

_Spock!_

The voice was calling his name again, and again, and again.

_Spock! Can you hear me!?_

The voice calling him was hoarse, pleading him… pleading him for what?

 _Spock, wake up please!_ He heard again before the voice seemed to turn their attention to another person.

_You bastard! How the fuck do you think this is fair!? He was winning and you decided to cheat!_

Spock could not hear the reply that came from another person who was two distance away from the person who was calling him. And then he heard pleading again.

_Please, I’ll do anything, just let him go! I’ll stay here as long as you want me to, just let my First Officer go back to my ship! I swear I won’t do anything! Please!_

At the thought of the voice—Jim. _T’hy’la! —_ being left behind, Spock fought to regain consciousness. As he slowly regained focus, Spock realized he was laying face down on the hard ground and there was horrible throbbing on his left side. He raised his head to find Jim: his captain, his lover, his t’hy’la, who was struggling in his binds.

And then the memories that were lost to Spock suddenly came back.

* * *

 

They were in the orbit of planet Zerra, a planet the Federation had thought to be uninhabited. Jim had chosen Ensign Lawrence, Nurse Croft, Lieutenant Daniels and Ensign Sánchez for communications, medical, science and security respectively, and himself to lead the away mission. Commander Spock had disapproved, arguing that Jim as captain should stay on the ship and let the First Officer lead the away mission, only to be patted on the back by said captain who replied with, “Aww, you’re worried about me, Spock?”

“Of course, Jim.” to which Leonard made gagging noises while Jim blushed, though the latter manages to catch himself and laughs heartily. “I’ll be fine, Spock. Besides, what could happen?”

“Don’t jinx it, kid!”

“Shut up, Bones!”

One hour after that, the bridge crew received a call from the Leader of the Zerran Tribe ( _ _“_ Uninhabited planet my ass!” “Doctor, please cease talking.” _)__ , informing the crew that the five people of the _Enterprise_ were now their ‘property’ and if the _Enterprise_ wants them back, they will have to play the tribe’s game.

Nyota, the skilled Communications Officer she was, quickly translated the terms and conditions of the game and the reason for the existence of the game. The reason, was the Zerran Tribe _ _loves__ fighting. They lived for it. And every time an alien ship comes, they will take( _“Take!? This is fucking_ kidnapping! _”_ ) the ship’s ‘queen’ to be a prize for one Zerran and the captain of the ship to fight for. Both the Zerran and the captain will be called ‘Champions’.

“Queen?” Asked Chekov and Sulu at the same time. When Nyota took a sharp intake of breath before slowly turning herself towards Spock, somehow he knew.

“It seems beings who have blue eyes are considered the ‘queen’ of their ‘opponents’, Sir.” Spock and Leonard looked murderous, because the only person on the away team who qualifies for the title was in fact, their captain.

“And they want _you_  to fight. Sir.” A logical outcome. Since Jim was taken hostage and Spock has the conn until he gets back from his mission, Spock is naturally the captain, no, _Champion_ the Zerrans were waiting to fight.

 _“You will come alone, Captain. No funny business, or the other members of your tribe will die.”_ Meaning there was a chance all four people who beamed down alongside Jim were still alive. So Spock ordered Lieutenant Giotto and three other security guards to find the other missing members of the away team. Once they find them, they will contact Scotty and he will beam them up before Jim and Spock would follow.

That was what Jim would have done also, if he were in Spock’s position.

Even with the reluctance of all the senior officers, Spock was determined to get his captain back. “Leave Jim to me.” He had said to Leonard specifically before receiving a reply, “If you _both_  don’t get out of there alive, I’ll knock you into next week!”

A lot of things can be said about the doctor’s statement, but Spock chose to nod instead, deciding he would correct him later.

So Spock had beamed down, right in middle of a very large Colosseum-like structure. The Colosseum was filled with Zerrans who stood to watch the battle in excitement. Their cries and curses were unheard by Spock, however, when the half-Vulcan saw his captain tied to a stake—clearly the sight of a prize—thankfully awake and seemingly unharmed. His face showed frustration when he saw who had beamed down to rescue him. “Oh God, why you?”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “Would you prefer someone else to fight in my stead, Jim?”

Jim struggled in his binds, trying to loosen the ropes around his hands that were tied behind his back and his legs. “No, but I don’t want you to get hurt because of this!”

“As Doctor McCoy had stated, I am your ‘Knight in Shining Armor’, Jim. So please sit back as I rescue you.”

“For the love of _God,_ I’m gonna kill Bones when we get back” Jim murmured exasperatedly.

Then Spock and the Zerran Champion started the game. The Champion fought with armors, a sword and a shield while Spock was only given a small sword. Even though the Champion was bigger than Spock, Spock was faster and more agile, not to mention he was a Vulcan. And it seems a Vulcan was stronger than a Zerran, so after thirty-minutes of fighting, Spock caught a glimpse of chance and use it to subdue the Champion. Jim let out a whoop every time his boyfriend got the upper hand on his opponent.

Spock was winning, and he would have definitely won if it not were for a sudden phaser shot landing on Spock’s thigh, unbalancing him and giving the Champion the opportunity to stab Spock’s side.

As Spock fell onto the ground, he heard a voice calling out his name in horror, pleading for him to get up.

“Spock! Spock, wake up, please!” Jim cried before turning his head towards the Zerran’s leader in fury. “You bastard! How the fuck do you think this is fair!? He was winning and you decided to cheat!”

The leader’s eyes widen in alarm as if he had no idea what had happened. “We did not ‘cheat’! Your Champion fell on his own. My Champion took the opportunity to gain victory!” The spectators went wild as their Champion stride towards Spock.

“NO! Please, I’ll do anything, just let him go!” Jim struggled against his binds again, he could feel blood flowing from the cuts in his wrists but he didn't care.

The leader seemed to be contemplating. “Let him go?”

“You only want a fight right? No killing? There’s no honor in killing! And I’m your prize! I’ll stay here as long as you want me to, just let my First Officer go back to my ship! I swear I won’t do anything, so please!”

It was a few minutes before the leader spoke again. “As our culture stands, the battle will be over once a Champion admits surrender… or _dies _.__ ” He turned his attention to Spock who was struggling to get up.

“So what will it be, Champion? Your queen, or your life!?” His voice boomed over the spectators, immediately quieting them.

Spock stabbed the ground harshly, his injured body leaning against it for him to stand upright. He was panting, sweat trickling down his forehead and green blood trickling down his side. His ears were ringing, but nothing seems to matter except for the one person only a distance away from him. He raised his head to look at Jim with determined eyes.

A promise to his t'hy’la.

But the look on his eyes only made Jim horrified. “No… no, _Spock_. No!” He shook his head in denial while starting to struggle in his binds again. “Don’t you dare, you fucker! Damn it, be _logical_ about this! Beam back to the ship now, Spock, that is a fucking order!” There were now tears in Jim’s eyes, begging _, pleading_  for Spock to be safe. See reason that Jim can be rescued later. So Spock won’t throw away his life for him!  

But Spock only turned his gaze towards the Zerran Leader and his Champion. “I choose my queen, of course. It is only logical.” And he charged toward his enemy with a roar.

“SPOCK!"

* * *

 

_Spoke blinked._

_He glanced left and right to determine where he was._

_He was… in his room in Vulcan? He- he had not been in this room since he went to enlist in Starfleet Academy, so why…?_

_“Oh, Spock…” Spock heard a soft and sad voice. The voice sounded familiar… the voice was…_

_“I am sorry, mother.”_

_Spock blinked again to find himself in the living room of his old mansion in planet Vulcan. The planet that was destroyed by Nero._

_So this is… “_ My memory _…_ ”  _Spock whispered as he watches his mother tend to a child version of himself. The child’s expression was blank, but his eyes which were full of shame betrayed his emotion._

_Spock continues to stare at his mother’s sad expression. Her hands were trembling as she put ointment on little Spock’s busted lip. Ah. Spock remembers this day. It was the day Spock had violently attacked the bully who had tormented him for years._

_When Amanda Grayson had finished treating her son’s wounds, she abruptly stood up and facing away from him. “Mother-”_

_“Go to your room, Spock.”_

_“But I-” “Go to your room!” Startled because his mother had never in his life raised her voice at him, Spock felt pain on his right side. The rejection, although illogical, pained him to the point he did not even hesitate to run into his room._

_“Why? I did it for you, mother.” Whispered little Spock as he felt tears starting to gather in his eyes._

_Spock who have been watching the exchange, only sighed in sadness._ “What is happening? Why is my mind showing me this memory?”  _And as Spock felt himself starting to drown into unconsciousness again, he saw what he did not see the last time he experienced this memory._

_His mother was crying._

* * *

 

_Someone was holding his hand._

_The hand is warm and nice and… “Jim?”_

_“He’s awake! Bones, get in here now!”_

_“You need to leave, Jim, we got this, so jus-”_

_“But Len-” “It’s gonna be okay, Jimmy, I promise you on my father’s grave, I’ll save him-”_

_T’hy’la_. _He is…_

_He is crying._

* * *

 

“Ah. Welcome back to the land of the living, _Commander_.” Doctor McCoy’s growl brought him to consciousness before he opened his eyes to be greeted by an unimpressed and clearly angry face. If it were four years ago, Spock would not have notice the relief in his eyes.

Spock snapped his eyes open. “Jim!”

“Calm down, lover boy! Jim’s alright, he’s alive and resting in his quarters right now, _ _I__ made sure of that!” The last sentence calmed him down a bit before Leonard gently but firmly pushes him back against the biobed once more. “Take a deep breath Spock- _breathe_ , dammit!”

“I _am_  breathing, doctor-” Spock pants.

“Not the way I like it, you’re not!” When the half-Vulcan finally calmed down, the doctor began his cursing again. “Damn hobgoblin, gettin’ my hands full like that. And what were you thinking, huh? Do you actually want to die!?”

Spock reminded himself that if he were healthy he would not have flinch at the CMO’s hypospray and the tone of his voice. “Jim’s been a freakin’ bad influence on you, you know that?”

“Jim is… safe?” Spock wanted reassurance and Leonard gave it to him by scoffing. “Yeah, thanks to you and Lieutenant Giotto and his underlings. They managed to find and save the other crew members who was held hostage in a cell not too far from your fighting arena. ‘Seems like the guards, stupid as they were, were more interested in watching you fight than standing guard for the hostages. As soon as they were beamed back, Scotty beamed you and Jim back as well.”

Ah. So his plan had worked.

It was a few minutes of silence, only filled with the beeping of Leonard’s tricorder, before the doctor spoke again. “Ya know, I really should kick your ass for putting Jim through that.”

Spoke raised his head to lock eyes with the CMO. “Doctor?”

Leonard broke his gaze to fiddle with a bunch of serums, no doubt to be put in a hypospray for Spock’s medicine. He thought back to Jim’s state when he and Spock were beamed up. As soon as Jim’s wrists and legs were untied by Scotty, the blonde ran towards the fallen Vulcan, not caring about the spectators in the room. The sight of Jim with a dying Spock in his arms, crying and begging for Leonard to save him had put the the doctor into action. Not only that, when Acting Captain Sulu had learned of the events that occurred on the planet, he showed his rage by shooting down every Colosseum the planet has. He only gave one warning to the Zerran Leader to leave the Colosseum and a ten minute window before shooting every last one of them. It would be years before the primitive Tribe starts their battle again.

Leonard sighed before talking once more. “He was a mess Spock. Do you know you’ve been in a healing trance for a week? Well that’s the same time Jim was here. And he only agreed to go back and rest in his quarters one hour ago after you woke up for a few seconds. Nyota’s babysitting him right now so he wouldn’t do anything reckless, and before you ask, she’s doing it for free.” He added quickly when Spock opened his mouth.

The half-Vulcan kept quiet while not taking his eyes off the doctor’s tired and weary frame. He kept quiet even when the latter sat down on the chair next to the bed.

“As your friend, I wanna say fuck you for the stupid stunts you pulled.” He kept quiet when Leonard glared at him. They stayed like that for exactly two minutes before Leonard sighed again and put his hand on Spock’s shoulder, a grateful expression painted on his face.

“As Jim’s best friend, I wanna say thanks. Thanks for saving his life again.”

Spock did not say ‘your welcome’. He only nodded.

Because if he were to talk, his voice would surely tremble.

* * *

 

Spock stayed in medbay for another two days before he can finally go back to his quarters( _ _“_ And you’re still on medical leave for another twenty-four hours, ya hear me!”_), and not once did Jim visit him in medbay. During his stay there, he had tried to touch Jim’s mind through their bond a few times, but Jim seems to be trying his hardest to shield his mind from him.

When Spock was finally cleared as fit-for-duty, the Captain of the _Enterprise_  was… distant.

He gave orders to his officers as usual—Spock included—and does his duties perfectly, but never once did he look at his bondmate's eyes.

See, S’chn T’gai Spock is a very patient half-Vulcan. Ever since attacking his bully when he was still a child, Spock vowed to control all his emotions so he would be accepted as a Vulcan by growing up the Vulcan way. But ever since he met James T. Kirk, Spock’s emotions were like quizzes for the human, ready to be broken down piece by piece until he reaches the highest level. No one in his life has managed to spike any emotions out of Spock like Jim has.

So right now, as it has been more than forty-eight point five hours since Jim last talked to Spock and ten days since he looked at him in his eyes, the First Officer of the _Enterprise_ decided to corner the Captain of the _Enterprise _.__

In the turbolift.

“Jim.” When the shorter male avoided his gaze, Spock felt pain in his side. Not the side that was stabbed ten days ago.

“Mister Spock.” He greeted with a nonchalant tone.

“Spock, Jim.”

Jim raised his eyebrow. “What?”

“You call me by my name whenever we are alone.” Spock tilted his head in confusion. He was more confused when his statement apparently made Jim grit his teeth. “Yeah, not so fun when _I_ get to do it to _you_ , huh?”

“I do not understand.” Jim broke his gaze again and shook his head. “Of course you don’t.” He moved to start the turbolift again but Spock grabbed his wrist.

“Let go of me.”

“Not until you tell me the reason for your childish behavior.” Spock didn’t mean to snap, but the rejection of his bondmate made him do unspeakable things. It was the wrong thing to say however, when Spock immediately noticed Jim’s struggles becoming more rapid.

“Jim-” “Fine, fine! You wanna know why I’ve been avoiding you? The reason for my _childish behavior!?_ ” Jim spatted and Spock winced. “First of all, you fucking disobeyed my direct order to save yourself, because if you’d been thinking like the supposed _logical Vulcan_ you are, you’d understand the reason behind it! You seriously couldn’t have retreated and come back later!?”

Spock was almost growling, but Jim was also angry that he find he didn’t care. “I would not know what they would have done to you if I had retreated. The possible outcomes would be you becoming their slave, you becoming a ‘Champion’ such as myself because they thought they still have our crew members, or they would have killed you.”

“Anything is better than you dying for me!”

“Jim-”

“And second of all, how _dare_  you-” Spock’s eyes widen when Jim choked out his words. “How dare you risked your life for me like that. I _begged_  you to save yourself and instead you did the dumbest thing you could- you… you would really… you’d really let me be the reason for your death? You’d really _die_  for someone like _me?_ ”

Tears.

There were tears falling down Jim’s cheek.

They were quiet for a few seconds before Jim spoke again, this time with a fragile whisper. “So yeah… I’m a selfish and childish person who can’t even look at my savior and boyfriend in the eyes because he got hurt and almost died because of me. Some Starship Captain I am, right? I don’t even know why you bother with me.” Jim sniffled loudly before wiping his eyes with the back of his free hand. He took a deep breath as he gave a still frozen Spock a small smile.

Spock has… he has made Jim cry. He is the one to make his t’hy’la feel so much sorrow.

How could he live with himself now, knowing he has hurt his t’hy’la.

“So I’m gonna make this easier for us. I don’t need you saving my ass all the time, and you don’t need to babysit me anymore.”

After ten days of avoidance, Jim has finally locked his teary blue eyes on Spock’s brown ones. But this…

“Let’s break up, Spock.”

This was not how he had hoped their confrontation would be.

_'Why? I did it for you, Jim.’_

_'Exactly, Spock.’_

Spock let go of his hold on Jim.


	4. He protected him, as she had. (Part I)

  **4.**

 

Two days have passed since Jim had broken up with Spock. When Nyota found out, she immediately went to Jim’s quarters to give him a piece of her mind, her rage apparently taking over her sensible mind that kept reminding her Jim was her Commanding Officer. Unfortunately for her, Leonard was there.

“ _Move_ , Leonard.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Nyota.”

“You’re taking his side!?”

“I’m _always_  on the idiot’s side, no matter how idiotic he gets.” He should be intimidated by Nyota. Hell, anyone with a right mind would be, because facing the Swahilian’s wrath is the same as facing a cheetah. But Leonard McCoy was a tough man in his own right. He’d be damned if he let anything hurt his best friend on his watch, not when he can do something about it. Not when this time, no matter how selfish Jim was being, he was also the one hurting the most. At least on Leonard’s mind he was.

So as intimidating as Nyota was, Leonard stood his ground.

“If you want him to stop being an idiot, then let me talk to him.”

The Communications Officer’s fiery glare was met with the Chief Medical Officer’s icy one. “If by ‘talking’, you mean kicking the shit out of him then no thanks. He’s already suffering enough. _Let it go,_ Nyota.”

At Nyota’s scoff, Leonard continues, “You don’t think Jim wouldn’t be upset about this either, do you?”

Nyota Uhura may be hotheaded, but she was not a heartless woman. After a few beats of silence and controlling her anger, she answered, “Of course I don’t think that. They _loved_ each other.” The female said while glancing away from the male’s weary face.

“Love.” He said. Nyota’s head snapped back towards Leonard.

“Are you sure? They’re _bonded _,__ Leonard. Kirk knows what rejecting Spock would mean, what breaking things off would do to him! Things with Vulcans are not the same as it is with humans. He can’t just break up with him like any normal couple!”

“Jim knows that, alright! I’m not some biased best friend! I know when he does something right or wrong, and when Jim bonded with the hobgoblin, it was the most right thing the idiot’s ever done!” At Nyota’s startled look, Leonard continues, “I’ve never seen him so happy, Nyota. So… so at _peace_. He literary told me that he’s never loved anyone more than he loved the hobgoblin! Heck he almost made me believe in love again, and I’m _divorced_!”

Nyota was silent after Leonard’s outburst. For awhile there was only heavy breathing filling the empty hallway. Then she spoke again, “As much as I hate to say this… Spock was also like that.” Nyota took a glance at Leonard’s eyes. “Is.”

Her reply made Leonard slump in relief, but the expression on his face was still weary.

“I’m sorry I tried to barge in there without knowing the full story.”

Leonard waved his hand in dismissal. “’s alright, you’re a passionate woman. I was about to do the same before you came here anyway.”

“What? Kick Spock’s ass?”

“Not in that way exactly…” The Southern gentleman drawled. The pair let out a chuckle as they felt tension leave their body. They were about to go their own way when the door to Jim’s quarters opens.

“Bones? What’s with all the yelling?” If Nyota Uhura was not the fierce woman she was, she would have gasped at her captain’s horrible sight, but she held her tongue. His hair was longer, so when it was untidy, it looks likea mess _._ His eyes which were usually full of mischief and spark looked dull, like the light in his eyes were taken away by force, not to mention the large bags under them made Nyota question if this Jim Kirk and the Jim Kirk she met at the bar all those years ago were actually the same person. He was only wearing a wrinkled white shirt and a pair of flannel pants, all in all a picture of a person who was heartbroken because of a breakup.

Leonard cursed. “And I just got him to sleep.” He looked like he was annoyed at himself rather than at Nyota who had disturbed them in the first place. “Sorry Jim, it’s nothing”

The man in question blinked at his friend before turning to Nyota, as if just noticing her presence. 

“Uhura? What are you doing here this time of night?” Nyota thinks Jim already knows why she was here. His withdrawn expression almost begging her to release her wrath on him. Next to Jim, Leonard was giving her a nervous glance, almost expecting her to do the same as if the conversation they had just now was nonexistent.

So she decided to surprise both men by doing the unexpected. She cupped Jim’s cheek in one hand,—the bastard flinched, wow, he definitely thought she was going to hit him didn’t he?—stood to her tiptoe and kiss the blond's other cheek.

When she pulled back, she could see Leonard’s jaw on the floor while Kirk’s eyebrows went up his head. “Huh? Uhura, why did you-” He asked while unconsciously touching his now slightly-tinted-with-lipstick cheek. He doesn’t seem pleased, only confused.

“I’m going to get to the bottom of this, Kirk.” She saw something flicker in the male’s eyes. Was that… fear? Yes it was. There’s something definitely fishy about this, and Nyota Uhura was damn going to find out the answer to her friends' problem. And with a determined face, she left the Captain and CMO of theUSS _Enterprise_.

As soon as Uhura disappeared around the corner, Jim turned to Bones. “What the hell was that all about?”

The latter shook his head, trying to get the picture of what just happened disappear from his mind. “What? Were you expecting to get beat up?” He crossed his arms against his chest.

“Yeah, actually.”

Leonard shook his head again before turning to Jim and grabbing his arm. “Let’s get you back to bed.”

“Leonard-” “ _Sleep._ ”

After taking Jim back to his quarters and sedating the younger male, Leonard watch his friend sleep. He then thought about Nyota’s statement. _“I’m going get to the bottom of this.”_

 _Was_ there a bottom of this? Because if it’s not Jim nor Spock’s fault then…

“Fuck.” And now he was getting a headache.

The Southern man scratched his head before climbing into the bed next to Jim. Sleepovers were a must whenever one of them has done something stupid. This actually started when Leonard almost drank himself to death on his daughter’s eleventh birthday and he was forbidden to see her.

Jim had saved his life. So Leonard had decided to continue saving his until he died himself.

As he fell asleep to the sound of Jim’s breathing, Leonard decided he was gonna help Nyota get to the bottom of this.

* * *

 

_“Mother?”_

_Amanda Grayson tensed when she heard her son’s voice. She quickly wiped her face with a towel she conveniently held from her daily task of folding the clothes. Of course she has maids now that she was married to a Vulcan Ambassador, but folding things actually serve as some kind of therapy. That and gardening._

_“Mother, why are you crying?” She took a breath before turning around to face her only son. Her sweet, wonderful son that she loves more than anything in this world._

_“I’m not, sweetheart. What makes you say that?” Her cheery voice and smiling face was what made Spock halt, not the illogical pet name. Was he mistaken?_

_“You were trembling, mother.”_

_His mother hummed, “It is quite cold today.”_

_Spock raised an eyebrow. “But you always say Vulcan is much hotter than any other weather on Earth.”_

_“Why does my son have to be so smart?” Amanda sighed but her smile seemed more real this time. “Come here, kan-bu. Why don’t you help me with this?”_

_Spock complied without saying anything, not wanting to upset his mother._

* * *

 

Two days after Jim and Spock had broken up, Spock opened his eyes to find his right side aching. He had a dream about his mother again. While he loved his mother very much, to wake in the morning and be reminded each time that his mother was gone made the brown eyed half-Vulcan quite dejected. Not to mention he was currently in the phase of ‘mending his broken heart’.

How illogical. But Spock found the idiom to be perfectly suitable with what he was currently feeling right now.

The chime on his door broke him out of his thoughts. His heart beat faster at the thought of the person on the other side of the door could be his-

No.

_No._

Not yours anymore. Not your _t’hy’la_ anymore.

They have not broken the bond, but Spock has been shielding his mind from Jim and vice versa. Spock felt agony streamed through his body and mind at the rejection of his t’hy’la, and only the consistent meditation has made the lack of connection bearable. But as humans would say, he has managed to ‘pull through’.

So Spock opened the door to his quarters and met his guest with a cold expression. His guest was not impressed. “Good evening Spock.”

Spock blinked. “Good evening to you too, Nyota. You look lovely.” Even though Spock said it with a blank face, the woman in front of him smiled at the compliment. Nyota was wearing a blue knee-length dress that hugs her body perfectly. Her hair was not in her usual ponytail or half-ponytail but instead let loose and curled into perfection. Truly, Nyota Uhura was a beautiful woman.

“Thank you, Spock. You look very nice yourself.” Spock himself was only wearing a black dress shirt, black coat and black pants. Nice indeed.

“Nyota, I still do not understand the purpose of this gathering.”

“It’s shore leave, Spock. We are going to have fun, and before you say anything, it’s my birthday today so you have to do everything I say!” She gave Spock her most stern look that clearly failed as soon as she smiled. Spock only let out a sigh she knew was not meant to be offending, so she grinned widely at that. 

When the two of them were almost outside his quarters, they found Jim standing in front of the door to his own quarters. Spock almost look but failes when he noticed how pale the shorter man was. It was as if he had… seen a ghost.

Nyota apparently thought the same thing as she carefully called out to him. “Kirk?”

It took two more times for the male to respond and when he saw the couple in front of him, Jim quickly masked his face. 

“Ah, hey guys. Going out to a party?” Jim asked with a fake cheer and an almost perfect smile, because he wasn’t Jim Kirk, fake smile extraordinaire, for nothing.

Nyota nodded slowly. “Yeah. My birthday party remember, the one you’re invited to?” She watched Jim ‘s eyes widen before he gave her a sheepish smile.

“Yeah, umm, about that- I don’t think I can make it tonight. Something’s came up with Bones and I gotta handle it right away-”

“Oh, come on, Kirk! It’s my birthday party!”

“I know, I know, that’s why I’m sorry.”

Nyota let out a frustrated sigh that was cut off by Spock saying, “I think we should move along now, Nyota. Clearly the captain has more important things to do than accompany us. It is like him to abandon us while we expect more from him.”

Silence.

Jim looked like he was slapped and Spock looked satisfied yet displeased at the outcome of his statement.

Nyota could only gape in worry as she looks back and forth at the two men before her. Before she could say anything though, Kirk beat her to it. “Right.” He pinched the bridge of his nose to calm himself down and giving a defeated smile after he was done. “I guess I deserved that.”

Another awkward silence.

“Well, I really have to go now.” He turned his attention to Uhura and said, “I promise I’ll make it up to you, Uhura. See ya.” He gave another fake smile to the pair before leaving them.

As Jim walked past Spock, the half-Vulcan’s eyes caught sight of tears on the corners of Jim’s eyes.

 _'Again.’_ Spock clenched his fists. _‘I made him cry again.’_

“Spock?”

“Yes, Nyota.”

“If you weren’t feeling miserable and guilty right now, I would’ve punched you in the face.”

She walked away, but not fast enough to leave him behind. Because he was still her friend of course, and they have a party to attend.

“I wish you had.” murmured the half-Vulcan.

* * *

The party was loud, bright, has too much alcoholic beverage and every thing Spock as a half-Vulcan disliked. When he began dating Jim, the latter had taken him to a couple of clubs like this but less fancier. He had ‘mixed feelings’ about all those times Jim had invited him, mostly consisted of jealousy and anger whenever the blonde flirted with other people.

But as they began to understand one another, through time Spock had accepted that Jim was born a flirt and would flirt with anything that moves (and sometimes doesn’t), so he let Jim have his merry way. Because whenever Jim was done with his fun, with losing control for a little while, then in the end he would definitely come back to Spock.

He would go home with him, have his way with him and vice versa, and they would hold each other until morning comes when Jim had to deal with his hangover and his boyfriend’s lectures. But he would love every part of it any way.

Because Jim always came back to Spock.

But right now, almost an hour into the party, Spock feels alone.

He wanted nothing more to reach Jim’s mind. To apologize, to shake Jim’s shoulder until he understands that Spock had saved his life because in his mind, the half-Vulcan had no other choice. Because even though there were logical alternatives, the only logical choice Spock see that day was to save Jim, to gather him in his arms and never let go.

But his pride. His hurt. Jim’s rejection of him had made Spock ache so much, almost as much as the day he had lost his mother.

Vulcan feels more than human. Jim _knows_ that. _Has agreed_  to take Spock monogamously.

_*****_

_“A Vulcan-marriage lasts forever?”_

_Spock raised an eyebrow. “Forever, Jim.”_

_Jim’s eyes softened while he grinned widely, as if content. “I’m okay with that.”_

_*****_

So then _why?_

“Hey, Nyota! There ya are!” A smiling and a bit tipsy Nyota sobered when she saw Leonard making his way through the crowd while almost bumping to a dancing (and drunk) Sulu and Chekov. “Leonard, you’re here!”

“Yeah, I’m sorry I got here so late. I was searching for Jim all through the ship and realized the bastard’s actually left me, so I came down here. Now where is he?” The doctor huffed in irritation while searching for the blonde haired man, clearly ready to stick some hypo somewhere on his body.

At Leonard’s statement, Spock and Nyota froze.

The CMO raised an eyebrow. “What the heck’s up with you two? Don’t tell me you’re drunk already!”

“Leonard, Jim told us he won’t make it to my party tonight.”

“What? Where the hell’s he gone to then?”

“He informed us he would be with you, doctor.”

The trio's blood ran cold.

* * *

 

“What did you find, Scotty?”

_"I’m tellin’ yeh people, I donnae like goin’ into the captain’s room! Seems very personal aye, and I’ll definitely get court martialed fer this!”_

“Just tell us if you find anything!” He snapped his communicator shut before turning to Uhura who was driving the hovercar the three of them were currently in. “Where we headed?”

“North of San Francisco. That’s where Jim’s last signal was spotted.” she said before punching the gas and driving past five more cars.

“Shit, woman! You are _not_  driving me to anywhere ever again after this!” For all his complaints, Leonard didn’t look all that bothered by the female’s display of driving, so she only gave him a smirk and a wink. Gulping, the doctor opted to take a glance at the rearview mirror that showed his half-Vulcan friend who was meditating and trying to communicate with Jim through his mind.

“Are you sure this will work?”

“Kirk could be anywhere in the North area of San Francisco by now. We wouldn’t be able to find him with just a car.”

A chirp.

“Scotty, you got something?”

 _“Yes, doctor…”_ The Scottsman sounded grim. This can’t be a good sign. _“Yer gonna want tae read what I just sent tae yer PADD.”_

Leonard didn’t need to be told twice as he quickly opened his padd. The more he read it’s contents, the more horrified he became. “What the fuck is this!?”

“What is it, Leonard?” Nyota asked Leonard, worried that her friend was panicking.

There were electronic letters, more precisely, threatening letters which were filled with abusive and horrible choices of words. The letters were sent and received for ten days. There were also details of Jim’s personal files that were classified and were threatened to be exposed if he told anyone or if he did not come to a certain address in North San Francisco at Stardate 2264.21. That was today.

“Shit!” Uhura stepped on it. Leonard looked lost.

“Why didn’t he tell me about this?”

“Why didn’t he tell _anybody_ about this?” Nyota growled.

 _“Commander.”_ Came Scotty’s voice from Leonard’s communicator again.

Spock who has been silent let out a hoarse voice. Leonard and Uhura can see he was trying hard to contain his emotions. “Yes, Lieutenant Commander?”

 _“There’s one specific letter, Sir, that’s pretty much told the captain to break things off with yeh. This one specifically say he or she will kill yeh if their and I quote, ‘intervention for your defeat in Zerra hadn’t killed yeh off already’. This was sent five days ago.”_ Five days ago was one day before Jim decided to break up with Spock.

“Intervention for Spock’s defeat on Zerra? You mean that phaser shot?”

_“From what we know, Zerra is a primitive planet. There’s now way there could have been phasers there unless someone brought them there.”_

“Shit… and the wound on Spock’s thigh was definitely caused by a Starfleet phaser.”

“I didn’t know this.” stated Uhura.

_“Yeh didn’t tell me either, Leonard!”_

“I told Jim and he said not to tell anyone 'cause he’s got everything under control! _Clearly_ I was wrong!”

Suddenly, Spock’s mother’s fake smile came into his mind.

_*****_

_“Mother?”_

_“Yes, Spock?”_

_“Is everything under control, mother?” His mother chuckled at the choice of words. “Yes, Spock, everything’s under control.”_

_“Then why were you crying?”_

_A pause._

_“I told you I wasn’t, honey.”_

_“Please do not lie. Your smile right now, it is different than your other smiles mother. This one seems… sad.”_

_After hearing those words from her son, Amanda Grayson could not help but let out her tears, the tears she had been trying to hold back for so long._

_Spock’s eyes widen when he saw his mother cried. He did not… He did not mean to upset his mother. He did not mean to make his mother sad! “Mother, I am sorry for my unacceptable behavior. I shall meditate while you calm yourself-” Spock soon found himself in the arms of his mother._

_“Mother?”_

_“Oh, Spock… my sweetheart. My kan-bu_. _You are not to blame for my tears.”_

_“Then why do you cry? And why did you hide your tears from me?” Spock ask, not hugging his mother back but also not pushing her away. He simply stood._

_“To protect you Spock. Because there is nothing I want more than you to be happy. And I didn’t want you to know I was upset so I hide my tears away from you.”_

_“Happiness is an emotion, mother. Vulcans do not feel emotions.” Spock reminded his mother, though not unkindly. She pulled back to smile sadly at her son._

_“One day you’ll understand, Spock.”_

__*****_ _

And suddenly, Jim’s fake smile emerges in Spock’s mind.

Jim had protected him. His out of character behavior, the way he avoided Spock—mind and body—like a plague, the way he did not want to look at his eyes as if he was ashamed of his weakness.

When he had _cried._

Was his tears not only meant to stop Spock from chasing after him, but also for Spock to understand the meaning behind his captain’s intention? Was Spock really so _blind?_

Jim had done all that to protect Spock from a threat. A threat Jim was surely afraid of because he received it only just after he found out Spock was still alive after almost being stabbed to death. Clearly as he loved Spock so much he was afraid for him and would do anything for him.

Including sacrificing his own happiness so Spock would be safe.

Spock felt angry. He felt rage trying to consume him, to compromise his emotions.

Someone _dared._

Someone has _dared_ to use his t’hy’la’s fragile state to take advantage of him.

Spock will not forgive them.

And he _will_ get his t'hy'la back.


	5. He protected him, as she had. (Part II)

**4.**

 

Jim opened his eyes to find darkness. As he tries to focus his eyes to adjust in the dark, he found his wrists were tied by some kind of handcuffs that were chained into the wall above his head. He was in a standing position and (thankfully) he was still wearing all his clothes.

Jim groaned while trying to free himself from his binds. When he arrived at the designated place—surprise, surprise, it was a deserted building—it didn’t even take two minutes for someone to stun him, rendering him unconscious. 

“James T. Kirk.” His eyes snapped towards a figure in the dark corner. “It’s good to finally see you again."

Jim twitched. “How about _I_ see _you_  again?”

The figure laughed. “I always knew you were a hilarious person. Very well.” The figure stepped into the small light that was illuminated by the moon.

Jim’s eyes widen.

“You're-”

The man smirked, clearly pleased that Jim recognize him. He has red hair and a pair of green eyes, he wore a long black coat with a black turtleneck shirt underneath and black pants. But the most particular thing that made Jim recognize him was the scar on one of his eyes.

“Finnegan?”

“I’m glad you remember me, Jimmy.”

“Of course I fucking remember you- you made my first year in Starfleet a living hell!”, hissed Jim.

Sean Finnegan was Jim’s upperclassman and a class A bully—Jim's personal one at that—who was kicked out of Starfleet Academy for a prank that accidentally resulted in fire. Thankfully Jim and Leonard had found out about his plans for the prank and prevented the fire from getting more severe. Even if it was a prank, his actions almost killed twenty-seven cadets and three professors so he was ultimately punished for his actions.

“You’re the one who almost killed my First Officer? And the one who sent all those threatening letters to me!?” Jim snarled while struggling in his binds, angry at the memories which were catching up to him and at the man who even after all this years, had managed to torment him again by forcing him to make the decision he didn’t even want. 

“Yeah, I was.” Finnegan grinned as he started his explanation. “When I hacked into Starfleet database three months ago and saw you and your crew were scheduled to head to Zerra, I headed there prior to your arrival. Because of course, a brave captain such as you are, you’d be on the away mission. I know all about their traditions, the game and the qualification to be a prize for the Champions. But if you knew about all that, you won’t be sending out any teams down there would you? Or at least you’ll send your First Officer for the treaty because a blue eyed man such as you would only hinder the negotiations.”

The _Enterprise_ ’s Captain’s eyes narrowed as he put two and two together. “So you hacked the files again and changed the details of Zerra to be uninhabited.”

“Yup! I figured after I help them kill your Champion it’ll be like killing two birds with one stone! I get you, and I get rid of your boyfriend.”

What the hell does he mean, _‘get Jim’_? “But your plan failed anyway.” Jim smirked, hoping his facade can throw off Finnegan a little, but the latter didn’t seem affected.

“Yeah, I didn’t think the Zerran guards would be stupid enough to leave hostages behind. And it’s not like I could actually show myself to you there, so I went back to Earth, hacked Starfleet database again and try to win you over with another idea.”

Jim spluttered. “By _threatening_ me? You seriously think you’d get away with something like threatening a Starship Captain? Not to mention kidnapping one!? And what classified files you have about me?” He decided to change the topic, hopefully delaying whatever twisted plan the man in front of him had for him.

But when the Irishman opens his mouth again, Jim regretted his last question.

“Tarsus IV.”

His eyes went wide with horror, unconsciously giving Finnegan the satisfaction of seeing him vulnerable. “What… how?”

“Tsk, tsk. You really shouldn't underestimate me, Jimmy.” Finnegan tutted. “I may plan things impulsively, but when it comes to hacking things, whether it’s personal, classified or government information, my skills are way above yours.”

Jim gulped. “I don’t suppose you’d tell me where those information are?” His reply was Finnegan look up at the ceiling as if thinking.

“Hmm, I suppose I could… If you’d become mine.” 

.

.

.

“ _Excuse me?_ ” Finnegan laughed out loud.

“Oh come on, you have to admit we had a good run.” The Irishman stepped closer and closer until he was in Jim’s face. “You know, I don’t blame you for getting me kicked out of Starfleet Academy. I actually blame _them_ for taking you away from me.”

At Jim’s shock face, Finnegan let out a cackle. “Well don’t be so shocked Jimmy! Why do you think I bullied and prank you all those times in your first year? Haven’t you ever heard the term, 'if a boy pulls a little girl’s hair, that means he likes her'?”

"You're sick..." Fuck. So Finnegan was actually a psychopath who apparently has a crush on Jim for years that he would come so far as committing criminal acts to get to him. And this only prove Jim other thoughts right: Spock had almost died because of him.

Jim was cut from his thoughts when Finnegan grabbed his chin. When he started stroking his jaw, the blonde shivered in disgust. “Oh Jim. When you become a Starfleet Officer, not to mention Captain of the _Enterprise _,__ I knew I had to have you. And don’t tell me you don’t actually want this.”

Jim really, _really_ didn’t want this. “Don’t touch me.”

But the man continued his actions, his hand stroking Jim’s cheek while the other placed on his hip. “I know you secretly want this, Jim. You wanted to escape being Starfleet’s Poster Boy for years now- that’s why you took that Vice admiral’s exam in Yorktown, right?” Does this guy know everything!? “Plus, you didn’t tell anyone about meeting me here tonight, did you? I had one of your ensigns hack the _Enterprise_ ’s security camera for me Jim, and thanks to him, since I send those letters to you I could watch your every moves. Also, when you beamed down to Earth tonight I ordered the ensign to watch your every move until you came here.”

Damn. So that’s why ever since he got to Earth he felt like someone was watching him. And that’s one more crime to add to the psycho's list: forcing one of Jim’s crewman to mutiny.

“Get your filthy hands off me!” Jim squirmed when Finnegan moved his hand down Jim’s thigh. But that only seems to excite the latter.

“Jim Kirk, always playing hard to get.” The Irishman then suddenly grab the back of Jim’s neck and forcefully kisses him.

“Mmphh!” Jim tried to put distance between them by kicking his legs towards Finnegan, but the taller man anticipated his attack by putting one of his legs between Jim’s and pushing his thigh against his crotch. Jim gasps as he was forcefully pushed back into the hard wall. He tried to free himself from his bindings again but his efforts were futile.

When Jim gasped, Finnegan took the opportunity to shove his tongue into Jim’s mouth, making him unable to breathe. His hands roamed around Jim’s body, quickly unbuttoning his white shirt one by one and unbuckling his belt.

Jim feels disgusted, violated, humiliated. But most of all, he feels scared.

_Spock._

Panicked, Jim did the only thing he can do, he headbutted Finnegan right in the nose. The criminal yelped as he felt his nose cracked, blood quickly flowing down as a result of the assault.

While gasping for breath and trying to calm himself, Jim locked into action. Using his bindings as leverage he swiftly raised both of his legs and kicked Finnegan in the stomach, making the still winded man fall on his back.

“Y-you’re gonna regret that, Jimmy-” The Irishman cradled his stomach while wiping his bloody nose. The calm facade Finnegan had sported was replaced by a maniacal grin. He then suddenly pulled out a knife out of his pocket.

Jim didn’t know what he was planning to do with it because surely he wouldn’t kidnap him only to kill him immediately, but he decided he didn’t want to find out.

Time to call for back up.

“I regret a lot of things, but kicking your ass isn’t one of them.” Finnegan’s eyes widen when he shouted, “JAYLAH, NOW!”

Jim watches as a familiar alien came crashing through the door. As she landed, she pulled out a stick-like weapon—which also serves as a flash light—and successfully disarmed Finnegan. The criminal raised his arms in surrender when the quarterstaff came up to his neck. She was now positioned between Jim and his kidnapper.

“Are you alright, James T.?” Jaylah asked without turning her attention away from the enemy.

Jim let out a relieved breath and said, “I am, now that you’re here.”

“What’s the meaning of this, Jim?” Finnegan growled. He looked angry that someone had interrupted them, like a child whose toy was taken.

“When you sent all those letters to me, I didn’t know if the person behind them was on board the _Enterprise_  or not. I figured if I want to catch you once and for all, I gotta get help from someone outside the _Enterprise_ who I can trust _ _.__ So I sent a message with a code inside which has this address and today’s Stardate for Jaylah to decipher. After that, I deleted it.”

“Lies! I didn’t see you do that through the security camera!”

“Not all the Jeffries Tube has security cameras in them, and it's not like you could stalk on me twenty-four-seven. And I figured you’d also stalk my PADD or my close friends' PADDs to watch my every move, so I used Ensign Keenser’s. You didn’t think an alien who doesn’t speak standard would have one did you? That little guy’s actually pretty smart, you know.”

“And you are smart and also a fool, James T. What if I thought the message was what humans call a ‘prank message’?”

“Prank text, Jaylah. And I followed my gut and trusted you. You delivered well.” Jaylah gave a smirk before replying, “I do not know how one could follow a stomach, so you will explain this to me later, James T.”

Jim laughed a little before becoming serious again. “Give up Finnegan. Our conversation’s from beginning until now has been recorded by Jaylah. You _will_ face court martial for all of your crimes.”

Finnegan was quiet for a few seconds before he let out a small laugh. That laugh however quickly turns into maniacal laugh that made Jim cringe and Jaylah narrowing her eyes. “What is so funny, criminal?”

The laughing man ignored her. “Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. I should’ve known you won’t be an easy catch. You’re still as smart as ever!” Jim and Jaylah’s eyes widen when Finnegan pulled out a switch out of nowhere. “But I told you not to underestimate me, didn’t I? Let me tell you my final plan: If I press this switch, a bomb will detonate and destroy this whole building in just two minutes!” And his maniacal laughter continues.

Damn it, this guy just doesn’t know when to give up! “Fuck- are you really that crazy!?”

“I planned this all by myself, waiting for the moment to have you for myself, Jim! Not the best plan, I know, considering I planned them alone. But do you really think after finally getting what I want, I’d let you slip from my grasp!?”

“Finnegan, think about this! Do you really want to throw away your life like this!?” Jim’s voice trembled with panic as he started tugging on his handcuffs again.

Finnegan didn’t respond to him and instead raised his hand which have the switch in it, all ready to press it.

“Ever since Starfleet kicked me out, you became my only purpose, Jimmy! If I can’t have you, then I sure as hell won’t let anybody! Not even that half-Vulcan!”

“ _Shit!_ Jaylah, get out of here!”

“But-”

This is it. Jim was going to die. He was going to die in the hands of his tormentor while taking the innocent Jaylah with him.

And he didn’t even get to apologize to Spock.

He closed his eyes in frustration, begging—no, _hoping_ —

Hoping for what, he didn't know—

_Spock._

_._

_._

_._

_BANG!_

Jim's eyes opened.

And then everything happened in a flash.

There was a sound of phaser shot which was followed by a pained cry. Finnegan’s cry.

Jim watches as Finnegan crouched in pain, cursing while cradling his hand that previously held the switch of the bomb.

Jaylah, being the amazing fighter she was, caught the switch swiftly before it landed on the floor so the bomb would not detonate.

“What the fuck!” His kidnapper yelled. But Jim didn’t have any care for him as his vision was showing him a familiar figure appearing in the dark behind Finnegan.

Was Jim’s mind playing tricks on him?

“Spock?”

As soon as Sean Finnegan turned around to find S’chn T’gai Spock, he felt excruciating pain from his neck before falling into consciousness.

“ _Jesus Christ-_  Spock, did you kill him?” Leonard said while holding a flashlight towards the now crumpled form of his captain’s kidnapper.

“If you do not quickly dispose of this _scum_ from my sight, doctor, then I will surely do the deed.” If Spock was fully human, he would have kicked and spatted on the criminal in front of him. But as he was half-Vulcan and he has more pressing matters to attend to, Spock contained himself.

“Spock?” Whispered a voice coming from the corner of the room. Spock’s head snapped towards the source and started walking towards it.

He ignored Leonard who was being held back by Nyota.

“Dammit woman! I need to check on him!”

“Give them five minutes, Leonard! Do it for me, at least! You owe me for saving our lives by shooting this asshole’s hand.”

“And you also owe me, Leonard McCoy, for catching this switch.”

“Get that thing away from us! Wait- _Jaylah!?_ ”

Spock ignored them as he continues moving towards his captain.

Jim who has his hands tied above his head. Whose shirt was opened and belt unbuckled, every sign of vulnerability shown clearly without consent. Even only illuminated by the moon and flashlights, Spock could see there was a burn mark on his stomach and a bruise forming on his forehead.

Anger.

Spock almost gave in to anger and rage if it were not for Jim’s eyes which were begging Spock of something.

He tried to touch Jim’s mind, and finally. _Finally_  after days Spock could not count anymore, Jim reciprocates.

 _‘Forgive me, Spock.’_ And suddenly, Spock was overwhelmed by the onslaught of Jim’s memory from the moment they were beamed back from planet Zerra to the moment Spock overpowered Jim’s kidnapper.

Spock wanted nothing more than to meditate and control his emotions, however the need to have Jim in his arms... to keep him safe, to comfort him from the sufferings he has went through is more powerful.

He then grabbed the handcuffs binding Jim’s hands and snap them open without further hurting his captain’s wrists. The sudden weight made Jim gasp and close his eyes in pain. Spock catches him as his knees buckled to stop him from crumpling into the floor. The blond took his time adjusting to the pain as blood started to flow again in his arms whereas Spock waited patiently while he holds Jim up with a strong arm around his waist.

When a warm hand cupped one of his cheek, Jim opened his eyes to find Spock’s brown ones.

Even though they have ceased to block their mind from one another, making Jim able to indirectly explain to Spock everything that has happened, he was still afraid of Spock’s response but would understand if the half-Vulcan chose not to accept him anymore. If it was too late to ask for forgiveness.

The only thing he wants though, selfish as he is, is to apologive to Spock for all the sufferings he has caused him.

And if it made Spock happier by being free from Jim’s messed up life and mind then so be it. 

Jim however didn’t expect Spock to suddenly press his lips against his. The blonde's eyes widen for a second before snapping them shut as he kisses back the man he loves with all his might, like a thirsty man in need of water.

Jim choked out a sob that was caught by Spock’s lips. He let out a moan and his body trembles as he sends Spock his thoughts, _I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryIloveyouforgivemeIloveyousomuchI’maselfishbastardIonlywantedtoprotectyouI’msorryforgiveme-_

They kissed for another minute before Spock pulls back to kiss Jim’s tears away. He then put his forehead against Jim's and said, “I forgive you, t’hy’la.”

And Spock has never been happier when he saw his Jim, his _t'hy'la_ , showing him his most beautiful smile; the one without sadness or falsehood.

_‘One day you’ll understand, Spock.’_

Spock tightened his grip around Jim, relief and happiness flowing through his mind. _‘Yes, mother. I understand now.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I read somewhere that Sean Finnegan was actually Jim's bully in TOS, but I didn't want to disrespect the character, so I made him kind of like an OC with a bit of canon (hence the name and the bullying part). I just really needed an antagonist and somehow found this character :3
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed this chapter! :D


	6. He loved him, as she had.

****5.** ** ****

 

It was seven point six days after the incident with Sean Finnegan, including the court martial that led the criminal to be sentenced in prison for more than twenty-years.

The ensign that had aided Finnegan in kidnapping Captain Kirk was evidently Ensign Sánchez. It was a startling discovery since the ensign was known to be very fond and respectful of Captain Kirk, not to mention his admiration towards the captain was one of the reasons he had asked permission to transfer to the _Enterprise_ one point seven years ago.

It turns out that Ensign Sánchez has a sister who lives in Yorktown and according to his testimony, he was threatened by Finnegan. If he did not follow the criminal’s instructions and if he were to tell anyone about his plans, harms way will come to his sister, so the ensign reluctantly abide to the criminal’s orders. He received the punishment of being bounded to Earth for the next six months for aiding a criminal.

Captain Kirk had protested, arguing that Ensign Sánchez was as much as a victim in this case, but the courts decision was final.

“I thank you, Sir, for believing in me. I hope one day you can forgive me and if I were to be given a second chance someday, it would be an honor to serve with you again.” Ensign Emilio Sánchez said with glassy eyes but head held high as he gave his last salute to his Captain.

Later that day Jim, Spock, Leonard, Uhura and Scotty who attended the court because they had to give testimonies said goodbye to Jaylah before beaming up to the ship to continue their mission, but not before promising her a tour of the _Enterprise_  the next time the ship docks on Earth’s orbit.

The next few hours of shift was uneventful, the bridge crew was mostly silent because the events of the captain’s kidnapping were still fresh. Still, Jim himself tried to act normal as if nothing had happened, so the crew followed his lead. Though it was hard because the captain really should know by now that it is not only him that is protective of the crew; the crew is also protective of him.

 

* * *

As soon as Alpha shift ended, Jim went to his quarters.

When the door to his quarters closed, Jim turned around to find that his First Officer had followed him in and as soon as their eyes meet, the blond automatically averted his gaze.

“Hey,” The captain stuttered while rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m guessing you wanna talk now?”

Spock didn’t beat around the bush. “Yes, Captain.” Jim flinched when Spock used his rank and not his name. It’s understandable though. Just because Spock said he forgave him doesn’t mean he _forgave_ him. It could be just a spur of the moment thing; a sign of relieve in knowing that Jim was safe.

“I do forgive you, Jim.” Jim’s hand fell to his side as his gaze snapped back towards Spock’s face. He was surprised to find the half-Vulcan hesitate before speaking again, “I am sorry. I did not intend to read your mind-”

“Spock, no, I-” Jim shook his head before stepping towards Spock and stopping a few feet in front of him. “I don’t mind. I told you when we bonded that I _want_  you in my mind. I’m the one who should apologize for blocking my mind from you, I should have known how much pain it caused you, yet I did it anyway.” Spock tried to talk, but Jim wasn’t finished. “But as much as it pains me to say this, I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I am sorry for hurting you, Spock, but I’ll never be sorry for protecting you.”

It was a long moment of silence before Spock opened his mouth again, his voice hoarse. “Why?”

Blue eyes met with a pair of brown ones. Spock already knew the answer. Jim had said it in their mind when Spock had saved him, yet an illogical part of his brain wanted to hear the words coming out of Jim’s mouth. He wanted Jim to voice the words his mother had always said to him:

“Because I love you, Spock.”

And Spock snapped.

Jim’s eyes widen as a pair of lips landed on his mouth, taking his breath away. His knees buckled when Spock’s tongue roamed into his mouth, tasting him and making him moan. Jim shut his eyes and quickly put his arms around the Vulcan’s neck to keep himself from falling, he moaned as Spock nipped his lower lip while pressing his hands hard against Jim's hips.

Jim gasped as he was pushed against the wall and threw his head back when he felt Spock’s palmed his already hard cock through his pants. The latter then started to bite Jim’s exposed neck, biting the line of his pulse and making him moan again. Oh, how he loved Jim’s moan.

“Spock  _aah!_ Please, Spock--”

Correction. How he loved Jim’s _begging_.

Jim gasped again, this time because a pair of hands gripped the back of his thighs before lifting him up from the ground. He instinctively tightened his arms around Spock’s neck and his legs circled the latter’s hips before they were back to making out, moaning and groaning while Spock carried Jim to his bed.

The kiss did not break even as Spock laid the blond gently on the bed, but he did pull back when one of his hand started it’s way up Jim’s shirt and made him flinch as a result.

“Jim?” Spock frowned as he quickly pulled his hand away from his captain’s skin. He became worried when Jim groaned not in ecstasy, but in frustration instead.

They were in an awkward position. Spock was on top of Jim with his hands and knees against the bed so his weight does not fall on the blond’s. He watched as his bondmate rubbed his face with one of his hands, hiding his face away from Spock as if ashamed.

Spock then leaned his weight on one of his hands while he used the other to move Jim’s hand from his face gently before replacing it with his own. “Jim, Ashayam, please talk to me. What is upsetting you?” He asked with a gentle voice while caressing the human’s cheek with his thumb.

Jim’s hand landed on Spock’s, savoring his warmth before saying. “It’s just… Finnegan, he- he keeps messing with me.”

It took a few moments before Spock realized that what Jim means was a metaphor, and suddenly he was reminded of Jim’s condition when Spock, Nyota and Leonard had found him.

“Jim, you had told me he did not-” Spock trailed, not sure he could voice his concerns, because if Jim was truly-

“What? No, no-” Jim’s eyes snapped towards Spock, he shook his head and was quick to assure the half-Vulcan. “He only kissed me and touched me a bit but he didn’t go pass my pants Spock, it’s okay.”

“Clearly it is not okay, seeing as you are bothered by being touched.” _By me._

“Yes, but he’s not _you,_ Spock.” Jim said as he calmed down. “You could never hurt me.”

The sight of Jim’s sad face with tears trickling down his cheeks went into Spock’s mind. “But I have, Jim, I-”

“No, Spock. No more apologies.” He gave Spock a chaste kiss before giving him a reassuring and loving smile. “Kiss me now, please.” 

So Spock kissed Jim again, gently this time, instead of the rushed version from before. He kissed Jim’s forehead. He kissed both of Jim’s cheeks. He kissed his jaws before pulling both of Jim’s shirts out of the way and was pleased when the human did not flinch again. He continued to bite the pulse on Jim’s neck, making him moan again. He kissed Jim’s collarbone and presume to bite it, slowly but surely putting his marks on his bondmate. His mouth then landed on one of Jim's nipple, licking and sucking it while he tweaked the other with his hand, his actions sending waves of pleasure to his lover.

Soon, Jim found himself fully naked with Spock. “My mind to your mind…”

They were not alright yet. The events these last few weeks has rocked them. But tonight they decide to forget the injuries, the almost death, the arguments, the fight, the breakup, the kidnapping, the hurt. Tonight they choose only to remember the love they have for each other.

Tonight they make love.

After coming down from their high, Spock tightens his grip around Jim’s waist while Jim rests his head on Spock’s chest, his hand on top of Spock’s side to feel the Vulcan’s heart beating steadily.

“Taluhk nash-veh k’dular, Ashayam.” Spock kissed the top of his bondmate’s hair.

Jim smiled as he closed his eyes in content. “I love you too, Spock.”

They were not alright yet, but they will be.


	7. Unlike her, he stayed.

****+1.****

Jim spent his whole life being left by people.

His dad left him.

His mom left him.

His brother left him.

His aunt and uncle left him.

Hoshi-san left him.

Most of his kids left him (“eight lived thanks to you, Jim-” “There were at least _thirty_  kids…”).

Gaila left him.

Chris left him.

Ambassador Spock left him.

Man, _a lot_ of people left him, but only two had  _abandoned_ him: his mother Winona and his brother Sam. To this day he still can’t understand how two of his family, his own flesh and blood, could ever leave him in a situation like that—Frank, he means—that they just packed their backs and _left._

But Sam only left him because he couldn’t handle their stepfather anymore, while Winona had left him willingly, more times than he could remember that he doesn’t even remember his mother’s smiling face (if she had ever smiled while he was around).

But then came Bones. His best friend, no, his _brother,_ a stranger who reluctantly took Jim in his care and over time became much, much more of a brother than Sam ever was. In their academy days, Bones was the only person who always held Jim after his nightmares and took care of him whenever he was sick and injured.

Then came Pike, whom he had met prior to Bones, but later became a father figure he never knew he needed. Wanted.

Then came Gaila ( _“Jim, I think I love you”_ ) the one person who had made him think about the word “love”. His reply to her was _“That’s so weird.”_ because really? There was actually someone who could love _him _,__ a messed up hick from Iowa with abandonment and father issues?

But then came Spock, a person (Vulcan) whom he hated immediately, but soon became fond of. He just didn’t think he would actually fall in love with him nor he thought Spock would actually reciprocate his feelings.

They say the people around you shapes you to be who you are, so maybe that’s why Jim could learn to love someone.

To love Spock.

The half-Vulcan actually courted him three months after the Krall incident and with his own pining all these years (because he’s not an ass; he most definitely would not mess up Spock and Uhura’s relationship), he immediately said yes.

Then months after they began dating, Spock learned of Tarsus IV. Jim was ready to flee until he was stopped by his First Officer who took him into his arms and gave him the comfort he needed. So Jim told him everything while crying his eyes out while Spock murmured Vulcan’s words of comfort he didn’t understand, but they had calmed him nonetheless.

After that, Spock’s time came and they bonded.

“A telepathic mating bond is an uncontrollable desire to mate. I initiated it by telepathic contact and it was formed during my time. And if you wish to fulfill the bond, we would have to go to New Vulcan so one of the elders can consummate it.”

“A bond, as in Vulcan-marriage?”

“If you so desire it, I would be gratified, Ashayam.” Ashayam meaning 'beloved', Jim knew that from Uhura.

“And a Vulcan-marriage lasts forever?” He asked while blushing.

Spock raised an eyebrow. “Forever, Jim.”

Jim’s eyes softened while he grinned widely. He was scared but also happy and content at the same time, so his response was: “I’m okay with that.”

See Jim didn’t know how to date someone let alone be Vulcan married to a half-vulcan, but he does care for Spock. He would hold Spock whenever he had nightmares and take care of him when he was sick or injured. His mother never did anything like that for him, but Bones did (minus the kissing and cuddling) and Jim always felt happy whenever he was given the attention, so he thought his boyfriend (and soon to be husband) would appreciate the same treatment.

Still, even though Jim was supposed to be in control of his life, what with being the Captain of The USS _Enterprise_ and a “fiancé” to his First Officer, the irrational (illogical, Spock would say) part of his brain occasionally likes to mess with him.

His insecurities always reminded him that someday Spock will leave him. Just like his mother did.

And then the events on Zerra happened. _Finnegan_ happened.

He didn’t think _he_ was the one who had to leave Spock in order to keep him safe—Like mother like son, he guessed—So with all his might, even though he knew he was going to hurt his lover, Jim blocked Spock out of his mind. He said all those awful, hurtful things to him, pushed him far away because as much as Jim himself was hurting, it couldn’t hurt more than seeing Spock die.

He convinced himself that he was doing the right thing…

…right?

Yet Spock ultimately proved him wrong.

He came barging in like a knight in shining armor to Jim’s damsel in distress (oh how he hated being a damsel because he’s a captain for Nova’s sake!) but none of that mattered because Spock  _forgave_ him.

Jim could do nothing but ask for forgiveness and Spock, his wonderful, patient, logical, and beautiful lover—his _t’hy’la—_ even after all the human did to him, he still took him in his arms and forgave him.

And Jim has never been more grateful.

* * *

 

After that it was all a blur.

When the court martial ended and they can finally put that horrible nightmare behind them, Jim and Spock shut themselves in their quarters, wanting nothing more than to be comforted in each others arms.

Even after making love that night, Jim knows they’re not alright yet.

But they will be.

“Taluhk nash-veh k’dular, Ashayam.” Spock kissed the top of his bondmate’s hair, his arms tight around Jim.

“I love you too, Spock.” The blond said before falling asleep in Spock’s arms.

The next day, he woke up to Spock’s sleeping face. He started caressing his cheek with his thumb, making the half-Vulcan sigh as he opens his eyes.

And then Jim knew what he had to ask to convince himself from his irrational, illogical fear.

“Marry me?” he whispered while cupping his lover’s face, his blue eyes full of hope.

_Will you marry me, not just the Vulcan way but also the human way?_

_Even after all this, do I still deserve you?_

_Will you ****stay** ** ? _

Then Spock’s eyes twinkles as he replied to all of Jim’s questions—the one he voiced and the ones he sent through his thoughts—with a simple answer: “Yes.”

Spock then kissed Jim’s smiling lips with a promise of a new, more hopeful chapter in their lives.

 

**THE END.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you for reading and I hope you all enjoyed this fic!
> 
> p.s. Very sorry for any grammatical errors.
> 
> p.p.s. kudos and reviews are always appreciated <3<3<3


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